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By Grant Howitt

Some of our regular readers may remember an article put in here by the illustrious Helle Albevik several years ago, detailing the topic of examinations.  Well, if you don’t, it was a really good one and now I’ve been told to write another.  Helle used all kinds of words like “prospects” and “future”- words that scare and intimidate me, to be honest.  So, I’ll stick to what I know – I’ll do a rant.

Right, first off, I hate exams.  That’s that out of the way.  They’re stupid.  Oh, and while we’re at it, coursework is stupid too.  I mean, you know, surely I should support one view or the other – exams or coursework – but I don’t.  I hate examinations because of the fear and pressure they instil in our students, and the fact that real expertise in any given subject should not be timed to such a fine degree.  I hate coursework because you don’t know you’re screwed until it’s too late to save things and your ICT teacher is shaking her head in “disappointment” and claiming that she “warned you.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure she did, but I wasn’t listening!  I had more important things to do last year, like stare aimlessly out of windows and whistle.  Coursework had no importance to me then… of course, now, it bothers me – now it’s too late – and I’m screwed, big time. 

Examinations and coursework are, indeed, evil.  Spawn-of-the-devil-type evil.  But, unfortunately, they are also a Necessary-type evil, as until someone finds a way of scanning brains for knowledge they are all we have to get us a job or an interview for university.  All the business/university is interested in, as they stare at your tatty CV, is the number of GSCE/AS/A levels you’ve got.  That, pretty much, is all you’ve got to fall back on.  Eleven-odd years of your life summarised in a few numbers and letters.

If that doesn’t make you feel insignificant, I don’t know what will.  Here you are, skimming through certain university entrance conditions on the web, and you see that you need not only decent skill in mathematics but a second language to get in!  Not all that fair, is it?  I’m not studying Mathematics or Portuguese in university, but they say I have to have them – hardly likely that we will be doing quadratic equations or declining the verb “estar” in my English Literature course, is it?

Sorry, went off on a tangent there.  Anyway, you shall be pleased to hear that I’ve nearly filled my quota and you can stop reading soon.  My final thoughts on the subject - examinations are hell, but there’s no way you can get by in life without them.  You’re screwed either way.

That’s it.  You can go now.